You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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