omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
