I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
