I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
