Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
