well I can't set my house on fire every night
I could have mohawked her pubes.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
