i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
