woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
