Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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