there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
