also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize