Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
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