You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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