I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
