did you get engaged???
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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