Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
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I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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