he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
