Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
