Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
