I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
