I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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