sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
