I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
