I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
