My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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