You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry about my life...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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