You're a womanizer and a bitch.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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