Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
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Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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