You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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