I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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