I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
