so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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