she woke up with a sticky ear
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
