Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
