I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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