So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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