i barfeds in our rink
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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