U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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