Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
