i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
