You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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