is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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