Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
