mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.