I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
