woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
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I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
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I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.