dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?