Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
