i think my mom watched the whole time
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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