Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
