are you still at the devil's house?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
