is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
