the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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