I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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