Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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