he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
