Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
