Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
