were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
