I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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