Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
