there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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